Nobody wants to hear "I understand your frustration"

Suppose one of your reports approaches you with a perfectly legitimate gripe or complaint: they’re not getting the help or money or support they need to get a project off the ground. They’re denied benefits to which they are entitled by law. They are faced with discrimination, bullying, or even just sheer incompetence from a coworker.

Then it’s your job to listen to those concerns, note them down, ask for clarification so you understand the situation sufficiently well, and potentially cross-check the facts with other sources so you have a full picture.

And then it’s your job to act, and to keep the person informed of your actions. That’s not necessarily an immediate success report — “sorted! Your concerns no longer exist” — but definitely some kind of progress sharing.

Something like “Hey, quick update. I talked to A first but they were unhelpful. Took it up with B; they had some good input but we haven’t reached a conclusion yet. I have a meeting with A, B, and C next week to hopefully get everything straightened out. I’d need your thoughts on this question from B before then:” or along those lines.

But you know what nobody wants to hear?

“I understand your frustration.”

Yes, I know, we’ve all been conditioned by self-appointed HR gurus that any leader’s most important quality is “empathy” and the first thing you must do in any interaction with one of your charges is “empathise” with them.

That may well be true, but firstly, most of the time the person coming to you isn’t frustrated, they are angry. And if their anger is justified, and their complaint is legitimate, then you are negating or belittling it by calling it “frustration”.

And secondly, your understanding helps them bugger-all. They want a solution, and from their point of view you are either part of that solution, or part of the problem. Not doing something makes you part of the problem. You voicing your mere “understanding” — which may well be a misunderstanding! — makes it more likely, in your report’s mind, that you won’t be doing a thing.

So say something else that’s actually helpful. Something like “I see your point, you’re making sense to me, here’s what else I need to know from you, here’s what I’m about to do.”

And then do it.